The Ethical and the Aesthetic
I had a plan for worming my way into heaven, remembering as I did my father's favorite verse, one that might serve as a password or, more accurately, a "passphrase" -- "Those who exalt themselves shall be humbled, and those who humble themselves shall be exalted."
In the event, though, the gates were not pearly. That's just an optical illusion created by the intense surrounding light. They are more like a beige, or maybe the same shade of cream as a 1960 Ford Falcon. Certainly they do look freshly painted.
And Peter, the disciple Peter, was not impressed with my plan. He said "You don't understand!" He said that the test to get in was not an ethical but an aesthetic one. Turns out the formal "commandments" have nothing to do with it. "We just don't like you," he said. I asked him for a Mulligan on this, but he said that it was impossible; the logistics wouldn't allow it.
And so that is how I was consigned to the Circle of Hell where bad comedians hang on meat hooks, the soles of their feet nearly touching the live coals beneath. What comes out of their mouths now is not funny.